Deep Dark Sad Place

I am sure I am not alone. At least that is what I have to keep telling myself. I am in such a deep dark place and I feel all alone. I don't really know what to do. I would post this to face book but I would have every do-gooder trying to fix my problem. Every facebook shrink trying to diagnose me. I just can't take it. They also would be wanting to take me to an in patient facility. I am not going to hurt myself. I am not going to hurt my kids. I am just really really sad.

I have never suffered from post-partum depression and I don't believe that is what this is. It is just plain old, run of the mill depression. The part that really sucks is the fact that after each of my babies has been born I have had my support system ripped away from me. This time I had hopes that because I was going to a place we had been before, this would not be the case. It is. I am all alone. To make matters worse, I am not allowed to drive. I have been driving but I an really not allowed to do so. I have made two friends here. One just had major surgery and the other, she is busy with her own life but she has made it a point to drive me around when I have needed it. I appreciate that but it doesn't help the way I feel. I hate having to ask. I wish the support system that I thought I had in my church family would realize that I am alive. I have not had one person call and offer to take me to lunch or Walmart or anything. It kinda makes me want to find another church, but it is not limited to my church or neighborhood. It is everywhere. We are so busy that we don't notice need.

Well I just needed to get this off my chest. I would love to just go in my room and cry but that is not my style. Maybe I will do it anyway.

So it has been forever since I posted anything on this silly blog. My life has changed so much. I am now living in San Antonio and we have a new addition since my last post. Aaron is now officially a teenager. Asher is 10. Abigail is almost 5 and the littlest addition is Annalise Victoria. She was born on August 3, 2010. She fits right into my chaos.




Last month I had 2 seizures that they believe is related to the pregnancy. I am not allowed to drive for 6 months from the date of my last seizure. It is a pain but I am trying to figure it all out. More to follow.....

Poop Happens

I just wanted to thank MeMarieLane. I really appreciated the blog that you posted about poop titled Everything you never wanted to know about poop. It came in handy and I am forever thankful however the recipient is probably not so much happy. If you are looking to send a gift of poo, go to Poopsenders. Again, Thank you.

First Day of School Woo Hoo!!!!!!

Boys went off to school this morning. Summer is over!!!!

More of the same

This is today's effort. It is a 0-3 month size. I made it with cotton and pink tule. It is like a baby ballerina dress. The Blue one from yesterday is a newborn size. That one was silk dupioni. It may be a bit rich for a newborn dress but oh well.

Crafty Me

So I have had the crafting bug lately. I have been a busy bee.

Home from the hospital

I was discharged from the hospital at 11am today. I am in a good deal of pain but not completely unbearable. I am sure it will pass in a few days. I only get clear liquids for the next 2 days and that sucks. I want something to chew. Oh well. It is the price of beauty.I will post some pics later.

Day Before Surgery

So here I am, and I am kinda mad. You ever find out the people you think you can depend on are nowhere to be found. I am not really mad. I just wish folks would return my calls and emails.

I am having Lap Band surgery tomorrow. My husband is in MA for another 2 months. My mom can't come out till Tuesday and none of my friends will be there after the surgery. Don't get me wrong. I have a friend taking me the 90 mile drive to the hospital. I have a friend watching my dog and one watching the smallest of my offspring. I just wish someone could be there or that I had a place to go before my mom can pick me up. As it stands now I will be waiting at the hospital after they release me on Tuesday till my mom can get there from Palm Springs. It is not promising. I also had a hell of a time finding anyone to go out to dinner with. I am calling it my Last Supper and I practically had to beg to get someone to go out with me. My Neighbor went and we had a great time. so, enough of my little pity party.

I am going to bed early and to Hell with cleaning my house. No solid food for me for the next 3 weeks. That will be great fun. Well here is to my new skinny bod. Wish me well.

New True Friends

I have made some really good friends in a very short time here. It is amazing how an experience under pressure can bind people together. There are two in particular that I think I may keep forever. One is my friend Liz. I have to remind my self once in a while that she is only in her early 20's because she is an old soul. She is one of the neatest people I have met since we moved to Arizona. Her son is the biggest bundle of energy I have ever seen and he is in love with Abby. Can't say as I can blame him. She was contemplating changing schools next year so that she would not have to commute but I begged her to stay. I know it is selfish so sue me.



The other is the new love of my life. Just kidding, he plays for the other team. John is not my love but he has made a special place in my heart. He is another once in a lifetime friend. With the surgery in my future he has promised to help take care of me. We were almost inseparable in clinicals.

I am so lucky to have met suck wonderful people. I have not found many out there that I felt I could lean on. In fact it is a very small and exclusive little club (right Steph). I trust very few. These two have made an impression. There is nothing more to say but that I have been blessed.

What to call it

So here goes. Seph told me to share this story.

I have a problem. I have 2 boys and I have never had any trouble deciding what to call their private parts. We call it what it is. They have a penis, pure and simple. Testicles as well was not a difficult word choice but here is where the problem comes in. Now I have a 2 year old girl. You see there are so many parts involved in the whole and I really am not comfortable with any of the names. The vulva is the outside, the vagina is the inside, the labia are also out side. It is not her butt. I grew up with front bottom and back bottom. That is not right either. I mean most people tell girls that it is their vagina. I hate that word. Hoo Hoo, Va Jay Jay, coochy, and Twat are all so silly or vile. What the heck should we call it?

I was having this conversation with a friend of mine a couple of years ago and she told me that her daughter called it her Fine China. I can just hear it now, "Get your hands off my Fine China." You have to be really picky about who you let touch your fine china. Well that is very funny but I really don't want her to have a silly name for it either.

Well, a couple of days ago Abby was getting into the bath and pointed at it and called it her booty. I told her it was not her booty. She insisted it was. I told her it was her vagina. I only said it once and put her in the bath. Next thing I know she is walking around the house telling people her kine kine hurts. I made her say it several times till I figured out what she meant. I still HATE the V word. I guess I have to live with it.

Lap Band

So here it is. I was approved for the Lap Band surgery. I have an appointment on Thursday to schedule the procedure. I am very excited and nervous. I am tired of being the big girl. I am going to try and post progress notes on a regular basis. I look like hell today or I would take a picture and post it as a Before. I will definately do it before the actual surgery. I intend on looking pretty darn hot before too long. It should be quite the adventure.

BAD MOMMY

Well I broke the good mommy run today. I had quite a screaming fit. I am so tired of not being listened to. I told the 8 year old dear sweet child that if he could not remember what I had asked him to do just a few minutes earlier then I would have to give him a swat every 3 minutes till he did remember. Guess what? It only took one. He has an amazing brain. I had no idea it was in his bottom. I also screamed at the 10year old for blatant disobedience. If I tell you to do something and you say you will and then you don't, you are a liar. You are dishonest and have proven yourself untrustworthy.

I may have been a little harsh. Oh well.

Just checking in

All is well at our house. School is out for the summer. At least it is for me. The kids have another week. I took my last test and missed an A by less than one persentage point. It killed me but I had to let it go. If I took the time to really study as I should, I am sure I could have secured an A. I am still running on my poor study habits I learned in high school. I really shouldn't tell people this. I am after all going to school to be a nurse and that would probably freak them out. Oh Well.
Kids are doing great and even though DH left 2 weeks ago, I have not completely lost my mind. I have not yet had a 30 minute screaming jag where I threaten to throw out every toy in the house and inform the kids how terrible they are. I was not very stable last year when my husband left for 3 months. I could have gotten the bad mommy award on several occasions. This year I have a much better additude.
I had a wonderful Mother's Day. I was a bit sad that DH was not going to be there to remind the kids to be good and to take me out for lunch. I was very suprised when my 10 year old asked where I wanted to go for lunch and that he was paying. He did pay. We went to Applebees. It was not as much as he had expected because we happened to have a $25 gift card but still it was the sweetest gift to date. The baby on the other hand gave me a different gift altogether. I had gotten her ready for church in the morning and was in the process of getting myself showered when I found her behind the door in my bathroom. She was doing her makeup. She said, "I look beauful. I di my makeup." This required a different dress and she got in the shower with me. My first instinct was not to yell. It was to run for the camera. I have to have a picture of this. I laughed all morning. If you are wondering if you should give a 2 year old charcoal grey eye shadow, don't.

Custom Jeans

My cousins and aunt are making the coolest stuff. These are custom jeans. My aunt had the idea and my cousin made it happen. They want to start selling them. They are interested in comission work. If anyone is interested let me know.

Nynee

This picture is of me and Nynee when I was 8.

When I was eight years old my grandmother took me on a road trip from Florida to Iowa. I had never been away from my mom and dad so this was a really grand adventure. There has always been an interesting dynamic in out family. Nynee (grandma) would visit often. I am know it was hard for my mom. You see Nynee showed her love by caring for people. She cleaned, painted, and mended things. I know my mom felt like she was very critical and maybe she was. Nynee is my dad's mom. Nynee also took us to the beach and played with us. On my visit to Iowa, I remember taking long walks and even longer trips into our imagination. I have some mixed feelings about that summer. I left a skinny kid and returned with a weight issue I have yet to escape. For with Nynee, food was comfort and food was love. With everything said and done, I would not change a thing.
My grandmother was an amzing and often manipulative woman. Until just a few years ago I never realized what a fantastic sense of humor she had and how interesting her life had been. I am sure this is sounding a bit scattered but stick with me. You see, on Sunday my grandmother had a severe stroke. She is 92 years old. I know that she is dying. I am ready for it and I know that she is as well, but I am very sad that I cannot be there. I would like to see her one more time. I know it won't change anything. It makes me very sad.

The baby is Delanie and I am the little blond.


This is a sweet moment Nynee had with Abigail.

Aaron's Glasses

So my oldest got glasses. He is really happpy about it. He is smart and likes the way it makes him look. I spent about $175 on those things. I told him that I can pay for the first pair but if they are lost or broken then the next ones were coming out of his account. I think he looks terribly hansome.

Fat like I use to be

OK, so heard something really funny today. One of my classmates said, "I wish I could be fat like I was in high school." She is a big girl and she said that in high school she was a size 11. ME TOO. I am not one to drown myself in a sea of self pitty but really, if I could go back and smack myself around I would. I find that I like myself much more than I did a million years ago, when I was a kid in high school. I can't say I like mirrors, but me I dig. I am having a good for me day. I scored a 94% on a big exam (they are all big exams), and 96% on an even bigger paper. I am hopefully on my way to an A for the semester. It doesn't hurt that the subject we are studing right now is the childbearing family. This is my heart. Nothing like more than a pregnant mom or a new baby. By the way, Marie and Brad, Gabe is next in line in the baby race. Bobby Jo is due on Nov. 26.

Well that is all for now.

Wow

So I have had a very trying time lately. Last Wednesday my in-laws arrived and even though they said it was not a tourist visit, that is what it became. They went to several churches in the Tucson area. They took the kids to a tea room also in Tucson. We all did the Sonoran Desert Museum and San Xavier Mission. We went to Bisbee and they spent the day in antique stores. It was very overwhelming. I am not a see all the sights sort of person. Don't get me wrong, it was a very nice trip. In addition to that my mother in law also cut out two patterns for dresses for Abby, folded clothes, cleaned the dishes a lot, and cleaned Abby's room. She is always very helpful. I just didn't have any time to breath.


Here is what I did while the tourists were here. On Wednesday I had lecture from 8am to 5pm. That included two hour long exams. Then I went to the store and got the rest of what I needed to make a fantastic dinner. Shrimp Scampi is now my favorite meal. I finished cleaning the house and doing the dishes, I made the bed for the In-Laws and I folded clothes. At 7pm they arrived. Dinner was ready and hot, and anyone who knows me knows that to be impressive. Thursday was Bisbee. We wanted to go to the Bisbee Breakfast club but they were on vacation. I hung out till almost 11am and then had to dash back to attend a Lab. Lab finished and I almost forgot the kids had early release from school. Oh, and I had the neighbor kids as well. Got home, got settled and then I had to leave at 5pm for clinicals. Clinicals ended at 11pm and I needed to run to Walmart to get trim for the dresses we were to make. I didn't get home till nearly midnight. Friday, back to school at 9am. I had to do my skills returns. Last day. It took nearly 4 hours. Off to lunch. Hubby's birthday and his parents were treating. Met them and then had to dash out for a 2pm meeting. I was late. I had to wait till 3pm for the next meeting. Oh, how fun. Back home by four and off to clinicals at 5pm again. My, I am getting exhausted just thinking about this. Clinicals ran till 11pm them home to bed. Nope, MIL was watching a movie and I sat up with her. Saturday was the Sonoron Desert Museum, the San Xavier Mission, and Chipotle's for dinner. Sunday was church and more I am sure. Monday was family pictures at 11am then lunch out. In-Laws left at 4pm. So now I can breath.

Well not really. You see, I have the start of two fabulous little dresses and they need to be sewn before I forget we cut them out. Oh, I will forget and find them when Abby is in the 8th grade. Finished one on Monday, one on Tuesday, and just for fun made one more on Wednesday. Today was my day of rest. I only cleaned the floor on my hands and knees and had the alignment done on the van.





I love Spring Break. Such a restful time.

Busy

Wish I had more time to write but I am working on a paper that is due on Friday and I am just getting it started. Have a great day.

LAP BAND

As many people know I have been struggling with my weight for years. I was chubby in High School and even in the Army it took work to keep it in check. Well a few months ago I came to the realization that it was time to get a little drastic. I am heavy enough to qualify for a gastric bypass but that is not what I am considering. What I am considering is Lap-Band surgery. It is the least invasive of the bariatric (weight loss) surgeries. It is also the most reversible if medically necessary. So truth be told I have been obese for about 10 years. I don't have any of the health issues that many fat people struggle with, but that is just a matter of time.

Here is one of my issues. I am very open. Not just in an anonymous setting like a blog. I have no filter and I have no secrets. Many people wish I had a few more secrets. So I told a thin friend about the surgery. She looked at me and said I should just buy healthy food. Oh, you don't think a person can get fat on healthy food. I love good food. I try to steer clear of things with partially hydrogenated oils and processed sugar. I don't buy artificial crap. I am still fat. You see if you eat more than your body can burn up then you will get fat. It does not matter if it is healthy food or fast food. It is the fact that I choose healthier foods that I don't have extra health issues. Oh yes, and exercise. Do you exercise? Well I am a full time mom and a full time Student and my husband is in the Army and he is a part time student. Right now no exercise. I am sure I could fit in a few minutes of exercise a day but I am really overwhelmed and really it is none of your business. You with your naturally skinny petite Asian body. You need to take your judgement else wear. You have not known me long enough to look critically on my life.

Enough of that rant.

Here is where everything stands at this time. I have seen the surgeon and he approved me as a good candidate for the surgery. I then had to have a Psych eval and that happened on Wednesday. The psychologist approved with the recommendation that I see a dietitian after surgery and that I participate in a support group. The papers were mailed to the surgeon on Thursday and he will send them up for insurance approval. If all goes well I might be able to have my surgery in about 2 weeks. I hope it all goes smoothly. This way I can recover over Spring Break and be back to school without missing a beat.

Keep your fingers crossed and say a prayer for me.